Anxiety is something not everyone understands, I definitely didn’t. As I grew up I just thought I was overacting to everything and thinking stupidly about things that had a VERY slim chance of ever happening to me. Now I know what my thoughts mean, what it is to overthink everything about all situations. I now understand and know that I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder.
Over the years, my anxiety has worsened and become uncontrollable. My main worries are myself and being hurt by others.
When I was younger people would comment that I was a skinny girl and that they wished they were as small, but as I grew up I had engraved this into my brain that I always had to be skinny and that I could not go over a certain weight as I would not look right or people wouldn’t like me anymore. Over time, it would become the way of the world to be skinny and be pretty and have makeup and look perfect to the online social world; This didn’t help me. This used to be a major challenge for me as I started looking at food as an inconvenience for me, which caused me to bin my lunch sometimes or just leave it for the next day. I now know that it’s not okay, it’s not okay to be that self-conscious to put myself at risk, I should be happy with how I am and how I look and not care about what people think of me. I am trying to work on that.
Believing I am going to be hurt is something I struggle with daily and I have for a long time. I do not know where it even started but it is something that just developed in my brain and I am not yet able to get this out. I never judge someone but to know that there is a chance I could be hurt even a slim one scares me. This is one of my main fears that I am trying to tackle and there are ways in doing this that help me, one example is to ensure that every night when my boyfriend locks the doors, he shouts me so that I can hear the lock and the handle…this seems to calm me and allow me to even get in bed. It is a small thing but it helps a great deal!
Going through my life with Generalised Anxiety Disorder has made me think about how I can make myself feel better when I’m having my grey days. I wear makeup because I enjoy taking the time to get ready and it makes me feel more comfortable. I buy stationary as I like the clean look with a motivational quote or fancy pastel pens will make everything seem okay. People have their ways of getting through their day and these are how I get through mine.
One thing I have learnt over time is having support around is amazing! My family, boyfriend, friends and colleagues had no idea that I was dealing with my anxiety every day, now my family get it; they ask questions and try to understand my situations and how I think differently. My boyfriend is a very black and white person, who has a blunt way of looking at things, but he likes to ask questions when its something important. He has become so open-minded to the little routines I have and helps me in any way he possibly can.
Support is something everyone needs, especially if someone is going through a difficult time, I have and I needed it. I want this blog to help others, to show that people aren’t dealing with things alone, that there is always someone there to help, I want to be that person for someone, to listen and be there for them and help any way I can. If you want to talk to someone but feel you have no one around you, feel free to get in touch with me. I may not be able to help but I can listen and offer advice.
Don’t ever feel like your struggling and that you’re alone because sometimes getting through an hour of the day is a small victory.